Depression is usually described as feelings of sadness, inadequacy,at k hopelessness, and loss, among other negative feelings. The medical profession believes that it is normal to have these feelings but if they seem to last longer than two weeks, one is usually considered “depressed”.
Depression is such a sensitive subject and sparks profound feelings. Even in writing this my feelings are heightened. I want to share myself and my experiences around depression because I now feel that there is no shame in admitting that I have been depressed, have felt depressed, and still deal with what the medical profession would describe as depression. I know today that I must take care of myself, my feelings, my eating, and my spirit. Today I know that these are feelings, and just like happiness is a feeling, sadness is also a feeling that I need not be afraid of. An empty feeling doesn’t mean my world is ending. Today I know that when I fail at putting myself and my soul first, depression will soon follow. At this moment I am in the throws of most would consider depression. My thoughts today are not in the moment and are based around fear. I feel empty. Does this mean I need a pill to “fix” myself? Today I can sit in and with these feelings and not run to find a pill to numb the feelings of my life. I also know that spiritually my life is showing me to myself.
January 31st, 2014
I woke up this morning with positive energy running through my body, feeling good. While driving this morning I realized that had I gotten caught up in my feelings and numbed myself with pills these last couple of weeks I would be much worse off. Feelings are not uncomfortable and it is not easy to just be with my feelings. In the end, it is more beneficial. I truly believe the chemical imbalance comes when one begins to ingest chemical pills into the body.
I have gone to therapy. I think therapy is great! I also think that therapy is a tool, not a cure. I have to take responsibility for my life, for my thoughts, and how I choose to deal with these thoughts and feelings. I began practicing meditation and yoga years ago, which gave me an awareness about life, about me. I stay away from caffeine. I connect from within. If I do not go within, I go without. I am not always perfect at this, believe me. I slip and I slip often but I have learned through meditation that feelings pass and I am not crazy. When I eat processed food, it negatively affects my mood, clouds my mind, and makes me feel sluggish and tired. I know that when I deny my feelings, I deny myself.
The last thing I want to do is preach to others about what I think is right for them.
The first thing I want to do is challenge others to find the truth about themselves before they find their truth in others or believe a label. I can’t count the amount of times the ambulance was called because I swore I was dying, couldn’t breathe, about to pass out, only for them to show up and tell me that nothing was wrong. I was completely healthy. Yes, I was physically healthy but mentally sick. This is where I allowed my depression/anxiety to take me. I just KNEW I was crazy! I had anxiety about having anxiety! It’s draining and not the type of life I want to live. So just for today I will accept not only the good feelings of life, but the difficult and confusing ones to. My life depends on it.
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